The non-recession recession – Could it really happen?

Posted on 04. Nov, 2011 by Stephan Helgesen in Economy

The Hope and Change Newswire Service reported today that the White House announced that the Administration has just solved the financial crisis.

The solution was unveiled at a signing ceremony held in the work-out room of the White House in which the President signed an Omnibus Executive Order (OEO) giving him the power to override any law that Congress passes despite their 2/3 majority. The OEO allows the President to forbid the use of words like recession or phrases like economic downturn and replace them with what Press Secretary Jay Carney calls, ‘hope words’ like Economic Adjustment Period, formerly called the recession (permission granted for use of this phrase for this article).

Carney continued, “There’s absolutely no reason for anyone to worry about job or stock losses, defaults, bankruptcies or foreclosures as those words will be outlawed too.” Pointing to the President’s leadership on the entire range of economic issues, Carney revealed that the President signed the OEO now affectionately dubbed, New Hope and New Change: WINNING after thinking about it for, “a whole day, something no other President in history has done.”

In addition to forbidding the use of 117 words that the administration calls, ‘downer words,’ it is resetting the unemployment percentage to zero and renaming all currently unemployed Americans Employment Ready Workers.

Sweeping changes in several departments of government will also result as a consequence of the new OEO. In the Department of Education, a new Czar for Textbook Harmonization will be named and empowered to review all U.S. history books with a view towards correcting inconsistencies. In the Department of Health and Human Services, a new program for Citizen Health Modeling will be implemented that will require all Americans to submit to an extensive Wellness Check. The check will be done by government doctors who will classify them as either ‘preferred’ or ‘common’ citizens.

The President has also instructed the Department of Energy to immediately shut down 90% of all gas stations around the country using right of eminent domain. The DOE will also be converting those stations to ‘Stop and Juice’ electric power relay stations that will sell electricity to the new all-electric O-Cars. The government will also be requiring owners of gas-powered vehicles not getting 200 miles to the gallon to buy the new vehicles from government-operated dealerships owned by Government Motors. Answering a reporter’s question on the legality of the mandated purchasing of vehicles, Carney had a two-word response, “Remember Obamacare?”

Finally, the Obama Administration unveiled its bold strategy for eliminating the worldwide economic downturn. Pressing a button on his podium, curtains parted behind Mr. Obama revealing a life-size image of the President on the wall. Underneath were the words ‘Si, se puede’ proudly drawn in graffiti-like style. Both were centered on a facsimile of the U.S. dollar bill. Thus the new “O Dollar” currency was born. According to Carney, the room was bursting at the seams with the White House Press Corps and ordinary onlookers (carefully vetted by the White House to be sure they were average Americans). Sitting on the edge of their seats, the Press Corps saw the President’s jaw jut forward and his face ark upwards with his eyes half-closed as if he were seeing way into the future.

With a drum roll from a lone Marine Corps Band drummer, the voice of James Earl Jones rumbled out of the twin speakers beside the President’s podium, “And now, ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States proudly introduces to the world, for the very first time ever, the new ‘O Dollar.’ The One world currency that will end poverty and despair as we know it and that will replace the old outmoded U.S. dollar. Starting immediately, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner will be buying back your old dollars at the new rate of 25¢ for one new, improved O Dollar.”






- Editor


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