Help Wanted: One Good Man or Woman for America

Posted on 08. Nov, 2011 by Stephan Helgesen in Politics

We’ve had 26 lawyers, 12 generals, 4 small businessmen and 1 haberdasher who have served as President of these United States. Most were college graduates. One was unmarried. Twelve of them owned slaves during their lives and 8 had slaves while they were President. Four Presidents were killed while in office. Two were impeached.

Judging by the numbers, it might seem to the casual observer that America’s top job has been a bit top heavy with lawyers and military men. That said, maybe we ought to re-write the qualifications for the job, especially in light of the precarious financial and geopolitical situation we find ourselves in today. I offer this sample up for your consideration.

“Wanted: One top manager with extensive experience in small-to-large business(es) preferably in a senior leadership position with direct responsibility for the motivation of employees of diverse backgrounds and skill-sets. He/she must have a proven track record of diplomacy and time-tested communication skills. Individual must have lived and/or worked overseas, be multi-lingual and have been responsible for budgets of upwards of $100 million and be able to manage approx. 2.6 million federal workers (85% of which live outside the Nation’s Capital).

The ideal candidate must be in excellent physical and mental health. He/she must have a clear vision for America and have an identifiable ideology, be able to articulate it and be able to compromise both for the good of the country. In addition, he/she must have been unsuccessful at realizing some of his/her goals during his/her formative years and have learned from his/her mistakes and applied that knowledge to new tasks. Subject must possess a good sense of humor, a winning smile, be affable, suffer fools gladly and be willing to make friends for America without apologizing for its values.

A thorough understanding of economics, world geography, history, political science and psychology is crucial as is a deeply rooted appreciation for America’s core values, its religious beliefs and its Constitution and Bill of Rights. As a consequence of the job, applicant must be willing to undertake extensive domestic and foreign travel. He/she must have been or be married to a person of the opposite sex and have been faithful to his/her spouse (children are optional, but will be scored as a plus given the value of the parenting experience).

Prior service in the military is highly desirable as is knowledge of the country’s Status of Forces Agreements, strategic basing objectives and international agreements with organizations like the U.N. and NATO, for example. Successful applicant must be willing to secure America’s borders to stem the flow of illegal aliens, but also be willing to engage the country in an open and honest dialogue about reforming the country’s immigration policy.

He/she is not required to be able to play golf, basketball, touch football, soccer, badminton or other sports, but must be willing to ceremoniously open the season for each of them if asked (travel to/from the site will be reimbursed, but not ordinary attendance at such events).

Knowledge of the country’s energy demands and resources along with new renewable energy technologies will be helpful. He/she must be able to stand for long periods of time, occasionally with hand over heart and be able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and know the words to the national anthem.  Subject must know what the national motto is and be able to name the capitals of all U.S. States (and know how many there are).

The successful applicant must have strong spiritual and/or religious convictions as they are endemic to the Nation’s well-being (atheists need not apply).  Finally, subject must know the difference between right and wrong and have a steadfast belief in the inherent goodness of his/her fellow man while recognizing that evil is not a concept but a reality to be reckoned with.

Applicants should include a list of references along with a 1,500 word essay on ‘What America Means to Me.’ A final decision on the candidate will be made on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.”

- Editor

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