January 19, 2021

America Needs a Manager, Now

Posted on 12. Dec, 2011 by Stephan Helgesen in Economy, Politics, Social/Cultural

I called the Employment Agency the other day and asked them if they had received any applications for the big job at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I was met with a brief silence and then a very shaky female voice asked me if this was a crank call. “Definitely not,” I said. “I may be cranky, but this is serious business!”

I continued, “America needs a manager not a matinee idol, speechifier, theoretician, ideologue, rumba dancer, basketball player, golfer, talk show guest or specialist in raising money for himself.  You know what a manager is, don’t you? It’s someone who knows how to manage, a person who can fix things, not break them himself and then look around to see if anybody saw it and says, I think somebody broke this!

Our country is like a person with PMS and PTSD – all messed up. It doesn’t know if it’s coming or going or whether it’s been there and done that. We can’t afford anybody who thinks values is an iphone app or who thinks that people who believe in God are totally retro or one who thinks that cheating and ducking responsibility are merit badge qualifiers and that serious conversations are what people do when there’s nothing good on TV.

We need someone to help us manage our expectations and our feelings of anger and frustration about our country. We need someone who hasn’t been associated with unsavory characters, preached one thing and then turned around 180 degrees and done the opposite. We must have a competent experienced manager who understands people AND human nature and is ready to deal with both, someone who is proud of America and Americans and doesn’t appeal to their fears, race or class just to get votes.

We desperately need a manager who knows who constructed our magnificent American machine and understands why it was built the way it was so that he can get the most out of it, for our sakes.” “Are you still there?” I asked. The lady said, “Yes, I’m listening, but the person you’re looking for is probably already employed somewhere.” “Doesn’t matter,” I continued. “You need to put out an APB (All Presidents’ Bulletin) for this manager. There are a few places you shouldn’t look, though.

One of them is Wall Street. Another is academia (we already have someone from that address). Also, don’t go to lobbyists or to Congress or the Senate. Governors are a possibility, as are small business owners, but I’m more inclined to get the word out to single mothers with twin three-year old boys and an ex-husband who drinks up his child support money when he isn’t shooting craps with his Neanderthal buddies. Those ladies have what it takes to juggle adversity like it was a couple of nerf balls. They’ve seen both sides of the coin.”

“Does this manager need a college degree,” she asked. “Absolutely not,” I quickly answered. “As a matter of fact, look for someone who had to drop out in his junior year to take care of an aging parent. That person knows how to manage disappointment and make tough decisions. Find me someone who loves animals and respects older people, does volunteer work at a homeless shelter,  borrows books from the library and says ‘hello’ to everyone he meets.

One more thing. Please find me a person who isn’t too impressed with himself and who isn’t afraid to change his mind after hearing a convincing argument. That’s my guy or gal. Get on it right away. We haven’t a moment to lose. The survival of our republic hangs in the balance.”

- Editor


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