Inauguration or coronation?

Posted on 24. Jan, 2013 by Stephan Helgesen in Politics, Social/Cultural

Dateline: Washington, DC – January 21, 2013?

Well, America, we finally did it. After throwing off the abusive monarchy of George III who subjugated all of us 237 years ago, we’ve come full circle with the coronation of a new king.

Today, King Barack the First, was elevated from his previous position as President to Supreme Monarch of the United States of America (soon to be renamed the Kingdom of Grand Largesse).

Americans turned out in the hundreds of thousands to fill the nation’s capitol city (soon to be renamed Victory City) and assembled on the steps of the Capitol Building (soon to be remodeled and renamed the Memorial of the Masses) to celebrate the moment and pay homage to their new ruler.

The ceremony was produced and directed by several of Hollywood’s top celebrity directors. The leading producer was Steven Spielberg who is responsible for the recent box office hit, “Lincoln and Me” (the really true actual verifiable no foolin’ life story of Abraham Lincoln who was reverse re-incarnated from Barack Obama).

The festivities took months of planning and creative accounting by the Democratic National Committee which amassed millions of dollars of tribute (donations) for the ceremony from eager subjects aspiring to key positions in the Court of the Great Barack.

The newly-formed Royal PAC called, “Organizing for Action” headed up by Obamaphiles Messina, Axelrod, Cutter, Gibbs, Plouffe, et al. will be in full operation January 22nd. The aim of the PAC will be to identify which donors to the Obama campaign will be awarded land grants in the former states of California, Hawaii, Texas and Florida.

Their secondary task will be to create a short list of possible candidates for peerage. It is rumored that among the candidates are: Steven Spielberg, George Clooney, Sean Penn, Madonna, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and the entire Chicago City Council, the entire Democratic Senate and all members of the SEIU.

While the President was being crowned, architects and designers were feverishly completing their work on a new coat of arms for the King which will replace the outdated seal of the President, a stunning new signet ring bearing the King’s picture and an eight-foot tall throne made of Republican Rino horn (it will replace the old HMS Resolute desk that had served Presidents from FDR on).

Hollywood choreographers and songwriters were collaborating on a new musical that will debut on July 4th and which will commemorate the new King’s rise to power from his humble beginnings in Hawaii. The musical’s working title is: “Obama the real American idol: From rags to swag.”

The festivities were supposed to have been emceed by radical author Saul Alinsky, but he could not be exhumed in time for the ceremony (Whitehouse doctors were also doubtful they could re-animate him had he been dug up).

Next in line was former domestic terrorist turned royalist Bill Ayers, but Mr. Ayers was unable to locate a tie. Instead, the honor went to the Senator from New York (soon to be re-named New Bama), Charles Schumer. It is rumored that Mr. Schumer will soon accept a prominent position as Court Schmoozer in the new Court of the Great Barack.

After the coronation and the singing of the old national anthem (the new royal song will be, “Let’s stay together” by Al Green) the crowd was treated to a poetic reading by MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews. The title of Mr. Matthews’ poem was, “The decapitation and dismemberment of conservatives: Ode to the common man.”

The evening will be capped off by two royal balls. At each ball the new King and his queen will be borne in to the venues on the backs of fat-cat capitalists from Wall Street, hedge fund managers, Mitt Romney, Karl Rove, the Koch brothers and former President George W. Bush.

America, rejoice, for unto you a king is given, and he will make straight the crooked and make equal the unequal. The poor will become rich and the undeserving the deserving.  He is for all time and for all men: Barack the Cool, Barack the Benificent and Barack the MAN. All hail or else.

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